Being a Child
From the moment we are born, our parents are our first teachers. They shape our world and our beliefs right from day one. By watching family members, their lifestyle, the way they interact with others or react to things and their general way of living, we learn how to perceive the external world and how to respond to different situations.
We tend to adopt their behaviours and apply what we have learned from them to our own lives. For example, If our parents are academics, this can influence the way we view education and studying. If they have a strong work ethic, we may also be motivated to work hard and become successful. However, if our parents have unresolved issues from traumas, they may unintentionally pass their fears, anxieties and habits on to us.
Being a Parent
We are all programmed for survival. Our brains are designed to alert us of perceived danger to protect us from it. As we develop, how these instincts are triggered depends on the things we learn and how we perceive our environment.
When you become a parent, as well as feeling great joy, the level of responsibility can also be overwhelming. Your awareness of safety is heightened as you require these instincts to protect another human being who is solely dependent on you.
If you have suffered traumas in the past, becoming a parent may trigger anxiety or exacerbate an existing disorder. Being a parent can be tough but we must be aware of our behaviour and set a good example for our children to follow.
Anxiety as a Parent
When you find the origin of where your anxiety started, consider how it has played a role throughout your life and how that belief may be magnified now that you are a parent. For example,
- Emetophobia(fear of vomit) can be magnified as a parent due to the exposure of a child becoming unwell.
- Health Anxiety or Phobia of Death. Constantly feeling concerned if the child is seriously ill and obsessing about death. Worrying about the health of the child can lead to OCD behaviours and performing rituals to keep them safe from perceived danger.
- Social Anxiety that causes someone to feel unsafe in public resulting in reluctance as a parent to take their child out in public in fear that something bad may happen. Social Anxiety may also be present due to a fear of judgement where you worry if your child cries and you are unable to settle them, you fear that people may question your abilities as a parent. These fears of people judging you can stem from self-confidence and self-esteem issues.
Self-Doubt as a Parent
Experiencing bouts of self-doubt and grappling with low self-esteem as a parent can often be traced back to past encounters with bullying or mistreatment from family, friends, or partners. It’s crucial to recognise that these negative behaviours are reflections of others’ insecurities, not indicative of your own shortcomings. Nevertheless, they may trigger a sense of inadequacy, influencing how you perceive yourself as a parent.
Comparisons with other parents can intensify these feelings of insufficiency, as you might perceive them as superior. If you’ve endured mistreatment from a parent, there may be concerns about unintentionally replicating similar behaviours despite your fundamental differences.
While occasional worries about your child’s well-being are natural manifestations of love and care, persistent anxieties can significantly impact your life. Addressing past events with a fresh perspective becomes essential in such instances.
Consider the following points to alleviate self-doubt:
- Acknowledge that your concern for your child already positions you as a caring parent, capable of making positive decisions and creating a nurturing environment.
- Embrace the reality that perfection is an unattainable standard for individuals and parents alike.
- Refrain from self-blame in the face of accidents or falls; it’s impossible to monitor your child around the clock. Recognise that these incidents are common, given children’s innate curiosity.
- Prioritise self-care to enhance your ability to tackle the challenges of parenthood effectively.
- Understand that while you can’t prevent illness, access to medical assistance is readily available if needed, offering reassurance in times of need.
Ways To Help Your Child
Childhood is when our beliefs are installed, so here are some ways to promote positive experiences in your child’s life.
- Encourage communication. Creating a safe non-judgemental space for your child will encourage them to open up about issues they may be facing.
- The power of words. Show how the things they say can have a huge impact on another person. Get them to think of the consequences if they feel like saying something negative. Tell them that it feels much more satisfying to say something nice and then watch someone smile as a result.
- Encourage Kindness. Teaching a child the importance of kindness and empathy will help them to have better relationships with others. Allowing them to understand that some of their fellow pupils and friends may have unhappy home lives and therefore the kindness they receive at school may be the only positive interactions they experience each day.
- Encourage activity. If a child develops a particular interest in a hobby or activity that aligns with their well-being, it helps to show encouragement and support on their journey.
- Reassurance. If a child has a fear or phobia, for example, costume characters, ask your child if they think you would ever put them in danger. If they say “No” then reassure them that if you have taken them to see a character at an event, it is because you know they are safe. Explain that they are fun people in costume who are there to entertain people and make them smile! Give them the evidence that each time they may have encountered something they are scared of, nothing bad happened.
- Restriction. With the regular use of technology in everyday lives, children may be exposed to unsuitable material that will have a detrimental impact on their development. It is necessary to restrict what they can access as they are too young to have the cognition to process certain types of content such as horror movies, violence or anything of an adult nature. Children have a colourful imagination so seeing something that may be harmful can accelerate the potential for fear.
- Importance of a healthy diet. A healthy diet and staying active are essential for positive development and a healthy mind and body.
- Explaining “No”. Allowing a child to understand why you have to discourage them from certain things and explaining that by you saying “No” you are doing so with their best interests in mind. Also if you are trying to encourage them to do something, giving them two options can be effective as they feel they have been given control. For example, “Would you like to do your homework before or after the movie?”
- Differences and self-worth. Each child must know they are special and loved. Each one of us has different qualities, strengths, capabilities and personalities which makes everyone unique. There is only one of each person in the world. If they encounter unkindness, reassure them that if someone is rude, it is because they are unhappy within themselves. Encourage the practice of positive affirmations daily to promote a positive self-image.
- Make time for positive conversation. Have regular chats about what you and they are grateful for. Use “But luckily” at the end of negative sentences. Give praise when you are proud of something they’ve done.
