I honestly don’t know where to start; I was possibly one of the most anxious, depressed, self-loathing people you could possibly meet. I barely left home, couldn’t work and had more than one stay at my local mental health unit when unable to cope with everyday life. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, GAD and Emotional Instability Disorder and eventually ended up taking a cocktail of medication just to keep me going. I wasn’t living and attempted taking my own life more than once. I was literally just existing and had been since my early teens. I didn’t know what it felt like to feel happy. I had become a very good actress.
I had watched Nik and Eva Speakman for a few years and followed them on Twitter and knew that if I was to no longer just exist in this world, I had to do something different. I listened to their every word as I watched them help people with similar outlooks to myself and knew they were the ones I needed to see. For the first time, they gave me a glimmer of hope that I might be able to get better.
I booked a place on their Upgrade Your Life workshop in January 2018. I didn’t know how I was going physically make it through the door but knew my wonderful husband would drive me and help me as always. I was TERRIFIED. I had many many messages with Nik and Eva over the weeks leading up to the day and reassured me that many people come alone and that I could do it. Shakily and with my husband taking me right to the door and staying in the hotel lobby all day, I made it in and sat on my seat with a sense of terror, but also hope. As soon as Nik and Eva entered the room and began to speak to us, I felt something I hadn’t felt for such a long time, I was excited!!
That day something happened to me that literally changed everything! I was chosen to participate in The Speakman’s Mirror Technique Exercise. Looking at myself and describing what I saw, all I heard from my mouth were things I would never think about anyone else, let alone say out loud. Every word I uttered was noted down, then I was asked to turn and level them all at someone else. I couldn’t say them, they were so degrading, I just cried at the realisation that I simply hated myself so much. I had let all those things over the years eat away at me and take away every part of me and my confidence. With the rest of the technique working on me seeing myself in that mirror more positively, my life finally began with many tears of relief but also happiness.
Since participating in this exercise, I have become the mum and wife I always wanted to be. My two teenage sons tell me all the time how amazing and strong I am. Our house is known to the neighbours as the “house of laughter”. I am no longer scared to go out and have recently opened my own business which is extremely fast-paced and I am doing something I love and am good at. We have suffered setbacks along the way, but I have remained strong and confident and dealt with those things.
I can truly never ever thank Nik, Eva and the amazing people team Trauma Research UK enough for believing in me and teaching me to believe in myself. It’s taken work on my part to put my plans in action, but worth every single step. I no longer take medication for mental illness conditions, I have lost 5 stones in weight, I have got back my self-confidence, I laugh…a lot. But, best of all….. I am ME, and I like me.
Watch Emma’s story here…