One of our volunteers talks openly about the emotional toll of infertility and the profound impact it can have on mental health. She explains her journey of hope, disappointment, and resilience as well as the importance of support and understanding in navigating this challenging experience.
The Longing for Motherhood
From the age of 15 when my niece was born, all I wanted was to be a mother. Sadly, life is often not that straightforward!
I had suffered from stomach issues since I was a toddler and then began experiencing period problems at the age of 11. However, doctors always assured me that I would grow out of it, but that never happened.
Early in the summer of 1981, I endured weeks of agonising stomach pains, but nobody took it seriously. It was only when I found myself rolling around on the floor in pain that an ambulance was finally called. The surgeon later informed me that my appendix was on the verge of bursting and was covered in fungus. I received treatment and life carried on as usual.
One April evening in 1982, I went into a pub garden with two friends when suddenly I started experiencing severe tummy pains. One of my friends noticed my distress and quickly took off her jacket to wrap it around my waist, then ushered me into the toilets, my skirt was covered in blood. It turned out to be my first miscarriage, I didn’t even know I was pregnant!
After undergoing investigations, I was informed that I had adhesions on my fallopian tube as a result of my appendicitis, which reduced my chances of a successful pregnancy. I was offered the ovulatory stimulant Clomiphene (Clomid), and to my delight, I became pregnant with twins in the first month! The initial weeks went well, but then I had a fall and started bleeding. A hospital scan revealed that one of the twins no longer had a heartbeat. I felt a mix of sadness and happiness. I must admit, I became quite paranoid about this pregnancy and spent most of my time resting and indulging in hula hoops!
The Joy of a Long-Awaited Miracle
On September 1st, 1983, I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl, weighing a healthy 7 lb 13 oz! I instantly became obsessed with her and loved being a mother, even though I was now a single parent. I was ecstatically happy.
In 1988, I experienced another miscarriage with my new husband. At that point, I honestly believed I would never have another child. Life seemed incredibly unfair, and I oscillated between feeling sorry for myself and being angry at the world. Seeing others pushing prams was particularly challenging at times.
We decided to seek help and undergo tests. Surprisingly, my husband was found to be fine, so the issues were solely mine. The adhesions on my tube had worsened and spread since giving birth to my daughter.
Thus began seven years of investigations and operations:
- Laparoscopy to assess the condition of my fallopian tubes, which detected damaged fimbriae that hindered the egg’s journey into the tube.
- Laparotomy examination of my fallopian tubes.
- Hysterosalpingogram dye was injected into my fallopian tubes and X-rayed to check for free flow.
IVF – A Glimpse of Hope
Finally, we were ready to commence the necessary treatment for IVF. It began with Buserelin nasal spray four times a day, followed by HCG Profasi injections to stimulate egg production, and daily self-injections of Metrodin to assist further with egg production. The process involved numerous scans, blood tests, and specific instructions to follow.
Eventually, we proceeded with egg retrieval, performed under sedation. Upon waking, I was informed that only one egg had been retrieved. Nonetheless, one was better than none, and it was fertilised and placed directly into my womb a few days later.
Filled with hope, we awaited the outcome, but two weeks later, my period arrived. The IVF had not worked. We were devastated, and to make matters worse, the hospital stated that we would have to wait a few months before trying again.
We endured the wait, and this time, the hospital increased my medication dosage to enhance the chances of producing more than one egg. It worked!
Monday, January 16th, 1995, was egg collection day, resulting in the retrieval of 10 eggs. Out of those, 8 successfully fertilised and 6 began to cleave. It was the best news ever!
Two days later, 3 healthy embryos were transferred into my womb. Then, on Tuesday, January 31st, a positive pregnancy test confirmed the joyous news: three heartbeats were detected! Two were strong, while one was not.
However, on Monday, February 20th, I experienced some brown-coloured bleeding. A subsequent scan showed that the weaker embryo hadn’t thrived, and its heartbeat had ceased. The other two embryos measured 1.7mm and 1.75mm.
On Thursday, March 2nd, I had another bleeding episode, but I couldn’t be scanned until March 8th. At that point, I was in a terrible state, feeling like I had lost everything. I remained in bed, crying inconsolably until the scan.
Sadly, on Wednesday, March 8th, it was determined that the second baby had not made it. However, there was still hope as I was now 9 weeks pregnant, and my surviving fetus (no longer an embryo) measured 23mm and appeared healthy!
My pregnancy progressed as hoped, and each heartbeat and scan filled me with joy. Finally, on Sunday, October 15th, 1995, at 3:09 am, my miraculous second daughter was born, weighing 7.13oz (the same as her big sister!). After enduring so many mixed emotions, disappointments, losses, tears, heartbreak, and confusion, we finally had a healthy, beautiful baby girl. There was not a dry eye in the room! To say we were happy would be an absolute understatement. I felt like the luckiest person in the world, and all the previous heartache was overshadowed as we embraced the dream of being a family of four.
However, the story doesn’t end there. Fast forward three years, and I was rushed to hospital once again with excruciating pains and bleeding. A urine test revealed that I was pregnant, but the HCG level in the blood test was low, indicating another miscarriage. It was bewildering and shocking to realise that not only was this happening again, but I was also advised to undergo sterilisation to prevent further risks. Who would have thought that after so many years of striving for a healthy pregnancy, I would have to undergo surgery to prevent it from happening?
BUT LUCKILY, I have my two daughters and am also blessed with six beautiful grandchildren.
My story serves as proof that THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE!
The Effect On One’s Mental Health
Suffering from infertility or sub-fertility can have a profound impact on one’s mental health. The relentless cycle of appointments and hospital visits, undergoing various medical procedures, enduring countless investigations, and the constant disappointment of failed attempts can take a toll on a person’s emotional well-being. The guilt and self-blame that often accompany the inability to conceive or sustain a pregnancy can create a heavy burden of sadness, frustration, and despair.
Each negative pregnancy test, each unsuccessful fertility treatment, and each heartbreaking loss can contribute to a sense of resentment, anger, and profound emotional pain. The longing for a child and the inability to fulfil that desire can lead to feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, and a deep sense of grief. It becomes an all-encompassing struggle that affects not only the individual but also strains relationships, especially within a marriage or partnership.
The constant comparison to others who effortlessly conceive and carry pregnancies to term can intensify feelings of isolation and contribute to a sense of injustice. It is common for those experiencing infertility to question their own bodies, and their capabilities as potential parents, and to wrestle with a sense of failure.
The emotional roller coaster of hope, anticipation, and subsequent disappointment can lead to anxiety, depression, and a loss of joy in life’s other aspects. The weight of the journey can seep into all areas of one’s existence, making it challenging to fully engage in social activities, work, and personal relationships.
Acknowledging and validating the immense emotional strain faced by individuals navigating infertility is crucial. Providing support, empathy, and access to mental health resources is vital in helping those cope with the complex emotions that accompany this challenging journey.