What is Separation Anxiety
Separation Anxiety is the recurrent and excessive distress of anticipating or being absent from home and/or loved ones and is the most common anxiety disorder in children under 12.
If not addressed it can continue to manifest leading to more severe symptoms. Separation anxiety is not to be confused with separation and fear of strangers anxiety which is a normal developmental stage in babies starting around the age of 6 – 8 months old.
Most infants outgrow this as they get older and understand that a parent or carer’s absence is only temporary.
How Does Separation Anxiety Start?
There are often situations throughout childhood which require a parent and child to be temporarily parted, this can, of course, cause some distress as our parents or caregivers play a significant role in providing us with stability, reassurance and safety. Experiencing anxiety like this, is normal and part of growing up. However, the symptoms of separation anxiety disorder are much more severe. The first event that may trigger separation anxiety disorder is when a child is introduced to a playgroup or school. Others may include:
- The loss of a loved one or pet. Fearing they may lose a parent.
- Parents separating. Distress at wanting to be with both parents or feeling responsibility or protectiveness towards one.
- A sudden change of circumstances such as moving home or moving school.
- Seeing a parent struggling with issues relating to physical or mental health.
- When a child is in a new environment/situation, such as feeling overwhelmed at a friend’s birthday party and worried their parent will not return to collect them.
- After an absence from school such as holidays or an extended illness.
- Exposure to viral news or stories about kidnapping/abduction. Fearing they may also be in danger.
Such events as the examples listed above can be traumatic to a child or teenager, causing them great distress and uncertainty. Without a full explanation as to what is occurring or why it is happening, the youngster can be left with extreme fear or anxiety about being away from parents or caregivers. In some cases, separation anxiety can be alleviated as the child gets older. However, in other cases, it can become prolonged and start to affect their lives with life-changing symptoms.
Symptoms & Behaviour (Children)
- Refusing to sleep alone
- Frequent nightmares
- Constant worry something bad will happen
- Not wanting to go away from home
- Constantly seeking reassurance
- Refusal to stay with trusted family or friends if a parent is not present
- Physical symptoms such as sickness/headaches when away from loved ones
- Refusing to go to school
Symptoms & Behaviour (Adults)
- Excessive worry about the well-being of loved ones when they are not present
- Frequently contacting loved ones to check they are ok. Needing reassurance
- Physical symptoms of anxiety and panic (panic attacks)
- Persistent fear something bad may happen
- Recurring distress when separation from home or family occurs or is anticipated
Separation anxiety can also be a learned behaviour. It’s no secret that children learn by copying their parents. There is no exception for fear. Separation anxiety in adulthood can sometimes be associated with other anxiety disorders such as OCD, Agoraphobia and General Anxiety Disorder.
Overcoming Separation Anxiety
The great news is that separation anxiety disorder can be completely overcome. To do this, it is important to identify the cause and challenge the belief that has been created. Here are a few tips to get started:
- Write a timeline. When you find the origin, see it for what it was and not how it felt at the time. Having an understanding of what exactly happened is key to changing your perspective of it.
- Consider the evidence. How many times has something bad happened when you have been apart from a loved one?
- Be compassionate with yourself and understand that you experienced a traumatic event as a child and that you can now acknowledge that the same event is highly unlikely to happen again.
- Keep a diary and note down anything that eases the anxiety. This is useful to look back on in times of need.
Guiding Children
- Clear Explanations: Use age-appropriate language to explain why you’re leaving and when you’ll be back.
- Positive Outlook: Emphasise the fun activities they’ll enjoy while you’re away.
- Reassurance: Remind them that you love them and will miss them, but you’ll be back soon.
- Make it Special: Say goodbye with a hug, a kiss, or a special ritual.
- Avoid Tension: Try to remain calm and positive, as children can pick up on emotions.
- Focus on the Future: Discuss exciting plans for when you return.
- Acknowledge Emotions: Let your child know it’s okay to feel sad or scared.
- Explain Feelings: Help them understand why they might be feeling this way.
- Offer Comfort: Provide reassurance and support during difficult times.
- Unexpected Touches: Surprise them with phone calls or messages throughout the day.
- Encourage Independence: Teach them coping mechanisms like deep breathing or playing with a favourite toy.
- Create a Ritual: Establish a bedtime routine or a special object to comfort them.
Additional Tips:
- Practice Gradual Separation: Start with short separations and gradually increase the duration.
- Involve a Trusted Person: Ask a trusted friend or family member to spend time with your child while you’re away.
By implementing these strategies, you can help your child develop healthy coping mechanisms and overcome separation anxiety. Remember, patience, understanding, and consistent reassurance are key to building trust and security.